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The Fan

This time it was a portable fan
That brought me to my knees

Sound asleep beside me
My husband unaware

That our simple bedroom fan
Has activated my trauma

The exact same fan and sound
As my childhood bedroom fan

The exact same fan and sound
That my mother used to put on for me

Cooling my body down
In the heat of our hot summers

Tonight I turned the fan on
For our little baby girl

She does not yet know
About my past traumas

She does not yet know
About her mother’s mother

She sleeps soundly
Peacefully unaware

Blissfully enjoying the heat
Cooled down by her bedroom fan

The fan put on by me
Her doting, loving mother

Like my mom was for me
A loving, doting mother

I spilled out of the bed
Unable to fall asleep

Drowning in the sound
Of the goddamn bedroom fan

As it kept growing louder
So did my inner-thoughts

Until I had to leave the room
Unable to take much more

Walking to our daughter’s room
A similar sound creeps up

She is sleeping in her room
Under the comfort of her fan

The same fan that we have
The same that I grew up with

The sound of her bedroom fan
Is oddly satisfactory

The joy of watching her sleep
Overriding my creeping grief

If I close my eyes
I can still see my mom

Turning on my fan
In my childhood bedroom

If I close my eyes
I can still hear her

Whispering goodnight
While turning on that fan

We had no air-conditioning
When I grew up in the nineties

Just that glorious fan
Providing us with heat relief

If I close my eyes
I can still smell her

The sweet perfume she wore
Mixed with the smell of sunscreen

Her walking out of my bedroom
After turning on my fan

How come you cannot sleep?
My husband noticed me gone

Because of our damn fan!
I tell him the honest truth

The fan that feels so very nice
Drowning him in its white noise

Is the same fan bringing me back
To my childhood bedroom with her

Drowning me in painful memories
Causing me inability to sleep

Wrapping myself in his arms
He sees me cry about the fan

The stupid bedroom fan
That has triggered all the memories

The stupid bedroom fan
That was supposed to help me sleep

The stupid bedroom fan
That I love for bringing her back

Because as much as it hurts
I remember that damn fan

The way it made me cool down
During our deadly summer heat

The fan a summertime symbol
Of our everlasting love

Who would have thought
That a fan could do such things

I would never have thought
That a fan could do such things

Such as trigger a strong memory
Reminding me to make more of them

Now that I am a mother
I will turn on my daughter’s fan

Even with our air-conditioning
I will always turn on her fan

To keep her cool and comfy
During the deadly summer heat

Helping to cool her down
While relaxing her with its noise

To remind her when I’m gone
To remember me in the breeze

Because of that damn fan
I held my mother for a moment

Because of that damn fan
I know that I am still alive

Enjoying the love she left me
Woven in mundane moments

Like turning on a simple fan
And all that that can bring

© 2019 KayNotto
All Rights Reserved

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