It Happens

The smell of freshly brewed coffee
A lightness in the morning air

Sitting quietly around the kitchen table
A fresh, mouthwatering breakfast made

Strawberries glisten on the plate
Toast perfectly buttered, with eggs

The most decadent breakfast
About to be sadly interrupted

As I lift the fork to my mouth
Grief washes over my mind

Mom cooked the best poached eggs
I will never eat her cooking again

This delicious smell now soured
My stomach hurting, fork down

Suddenly, I no longer want to eat
The breakfast remains, unchanged

It sits there growing colder
While I catch my breath

It happens

My career is flourishing
People are asking for advice

My hands are finally skilled
Mechanical Maintenance Planner

Grandpa’s “Little millwright girl,
Now a millwright without him

So I think about him and take in memory
His icy blue eyes trapped in my mind

His generational skills
Passed along my way

Without him here
To be proud of me

It happens

My daughter plays out in the yard
Laughing, smiling in the sunshine

My life’s dream of becoming a mother
Realized in this moment, watching her

Then suddenly, like a gut-punch
I am reminded I am without mine

The mother who watched me grow
Will never watch her grandchildren

My daughter looks into my eyes
So I try to hide behind my smile

She does not know this pain
I could never let her know

It happens

My husband looks into my eyes
The most perfect shade of green

He makes me laugh again
He fills my soul with love

As his arms wrap around me
His head settles into my neck

I am reminded of Mom’s hug
Her undying, unending love

She brought me to him
I know that; I know that

He will never know her
Mom’s life told in stories

So I pull him closer to me
As we all come together

Tears roll down my cheeks
She would have loved him

It happens

I read tarot for you now
Detailing your loved one

Shuffling tarot cards
Stirring up memory

Cards remind me of my grandma
We would play for hours on end

Cards shuffled by her hands
Then folded neatly in her casket

Reminding me that she left
Bereaved by so much loss

She plays on through my hands
My most precious ancestor

It happens

My eyes opened today
My body worked today

My mind illuminated in thought
My body acted out mind’s wishes

Yet my soul remains heavy
Bogged down with sadness

It happens

Some days you float
Some days you sink

Some days you’re fine
Some days you’re not

It is okay
It is natural

The finality of death
An accepted part of life

The reality of afterlife
Mostly hidden in parables

Life and its mysteries
Illuminating death

How do I know
How can I know

I teetered the line
Because of grief

Knife to delicate skin
Waiting to bleed-out

The air from my lungs
Removed by the silence

Crawling from the floor
I took that breath back in

Writhing in immense, torturous pain
The bullet slipping from my heart

She is still here
She never left

I got too close
To the end

It happens

Pulled back from the ledge
I said I would let others know

In case they couldn’t hear
In case they actually jumped

Because I know that’s easier
To remove oneself from pain

To silence oneself finally
Numb the onslaught of grief

Let the tears fall down your cheeks
Let the anger roar from within you

Natural, human emotions
Made for us to feel them

You are not wrong
They are not gone

It happens

Day by day is a mystery
I can only offer my best

Some days I will cry
Some days I will smile

Some days I will not believe it
Some days I will totally accept it

Some bad days will happen again
Because that bad day happened

But some good days will happen
Because I cherish them more now

It happens

In the stillness of the silence
They wait for us to listen

Grief will happen because
We were all born to die

Grief will happen because
We grieve the love we lost

A small, unacceptable fact
Is that we were born to die

A big, largely un-accepted reality
Is that it is only our bodies that do

Our spiritual energy survives
Despite our disbelief at that

I wouldn’t be here
If that weren’t true

I couldn’t be here
If that weren’t true

My rational mind unaccepting
Of falsely created realities

No heaven would suffice
Heaven was too far away

My logical mind accepting
That Mom’s body had gone

The doctors signed the paper
She was officially declared dead

My spiritual mind unaccepting
That bodily death was the end

So I waited and I prayed
Until I was told the truth

Because of this grief
I have truly come alive

© 2019 KayNotto
All Rights Reserved

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