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Heartbeat

My mother’s name was Glenda.

She was a petite woman, about 5’5 and had short hair in her adult life compared to the waist-length, pin-straight dark brown hair of her youth.

When I would hug her or cuddle with her on the couch during a movie, I would lean into her chest and listen to the familiar sound of her beating heart.

Maybe it was a familiar sound from when I lived in her womb, or maybe it reminded me that she was still here. It was a sound of comfort.

Today, I cannot listen to the sound of a heartbeat without becoming physically ill.

Listening to the sound of my fetus’ heartbeat at ultrasound appointments has me wracked with sweat and anxiety.

So, I smile at the technician and count the minutes until I can leave, praying that I don’t come across as ungrateful.

Her death changed me. I know that the sound can stop, and I’ve never recovered from that.

Instead of watching my mom love my children like she had hoped to, I can only describe to them how I knew her and loved her and remind them that she existed.

All of a sudden, like a cruel twist of fate, this pandemic swooped in and suddenly, the whole world began to drown.

My mother died of COPD and it caused her lungs to fill up relentlessly until she died. She essentially drowned in her own fluids.

It is exceptionally difficult to watch our society grapple with obtaining pertinent information from social media instead of from scientists or the medical community.

I chose to receive the COVID-19 vaccine at two-weeks pregnant because I have seen what it’s like to die that way. I don’t want to.

We all have a choice, informed or not.

Despite the constant and crippling fears that threaten us repeatedly, I choose to seek out the good because I recognize the fragility of life.

Tomorrow is neither a guarantee nor a promise.

My thoughts remain with the medical staff who step into the line of fire daily, surrounded by people who made their choice.

I think of the families who are unable to be bedside as their loved ones drown, knowing that I had that privilege.

It is not my business what you choose, we all choose our paths differently and the end result will reflect our choices.

Life is simultaneously heaven and a battlefield, depending on the day and significantly based around these choices.

I hope to instill within my children a long-lasting zest for life that will transcend the more difficult parts.

And to ensure that they do their research. Not a google search or a quick video from social media, but earnest research to get them through.

Literature saved my life by explaining the seemingly unexplainable. It anchored me to reality and beyond.

I am shaped by my experiences and by people like Rudolf Steiner, Buddha, Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev and other valuable figures discovered through literary research.

Reading their perceptions profoundly shaped my spiritual experience and has allowed me to understand the more difficult concepts I’ve encountered, such as life beyond the physical body and more.

In a world that places physical reality above the ones we perceive internally, it can look distressful at times.

But we can choose to discover more.

© 2019 KayNotto
All Rights Reserved

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