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Grief

Grief feels like someone
Changed difficulty levels

When all you wanted
Was the easy setting

In this life

It creeps into the now dark
Spots of the mind where

Light used to be
To extinguish it

It puts fears in the mind
That do not belong there

Fear that it might happen
Again and again and again

It is precious moments of reprieve
Followed by a terrible sinking feeling

It could happen again
Because it did once

So you hold tight
White knuckled

Hoping to survive impact
Ready to brace just in case

But the crash never comes

It is wondering if they are here
And knowing they will never be

Finding them in these places
You never even thought to look

It is a choice between living
Or joining them just because

It hurts too fucking much

Grief is a silent killer
No physical impact

It feels like searing bullets
Riddled through the body

So you catch your taken breath
One more time you tell yourself

Next time perhaps
It won’t be so bad

But you know that it will be

It is finding the most joy
In the smallest moments

Because those moments
Are recognized as bigger

It is funny how they left
Yet they keep saving us

We can’t disappoint them
We keep going for them

Hoping that they would have
Done the exact same thing for us

Maybe they couldn’t have

It is headaches and tears
And the brightest smiles

Feeling the extreme opposites
Because now you know better

Grief is a silent killer
But I am her daughter

And I refuse to let it
Murder her memory

I am still alive and breathing
To pass along these stories

To remember that she lived
And that she still does too

It is just different now

If you are hurting today
Tomorrow will be easier

But today I recognize
That this is so painful

Like some searing open wound
Let me offer you this band aid

To temporarily remind you
That you aren’t here alone

When I crawled out of the hole
That grief had dug for my body

I vowed to find mountains
To scream the truth from

Our bodies may physically die
But our energy is eternal and

If you stumble upon this poem
They wanted you to know that

They believe in you

© 2019 KayNotto
All Rights Reserved

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